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Pieces of my mind

February 5, 2010
tags: life, Photography, thoughts
by Hannah

I have been going through my boxes of photos from when I shot only film. I took this one in Maine when I was a teenager. Oh I love it there so much; it’s a truly magical place for me and some of my favorite childhood memories are from my visits there. I am really looking forward to bringing my family there someday (hopefully sooner than later!)
A few days ago I brought my 1960-something Pentax into a local camera repair shop, and the first thing the gentleman who owns the place said to me was “What’s a young girl like you doing with a camera older than you are?” I smiled and told him I love it. And I do. I can’t really explain my sudden fascination with film photography and old cameras- I think the images they create are just beautiful. I love the idea of an actual chemical reaction taking place, rather than only digital data. When I am shooting with film I am more careful, more deliberate, because I don’t want to waste it. I think in the end that mindfulness will produce some great images and will help improve my digital photography too. I also love the waiting, the lack of instant gratification. It is fun to pick up your prints from the lab and see them for the first time. Maybe someday I will even have to opportunity to learn how to develop my own film.

I picked  some little yellow flowers in our back yard yesterday morning. There is a picture of them in the previous post. They were sitting on my desk, and by early evening they’d all completely closed up. Just the tiniest bit of yellow peeking out at the end of each one. I guess they have rebelled against being cut from their roots. I think if I were a flower and someone picked me I’d want to close up too. Flowers, and people, need their roots to grow. To live.

I feel like I am always grasping for more time. I am still working on choosing what to focuss on and leaving what doesn’t matter. It is a continual process.

I am really, really looking forward to our trip up north. We leave in 2 weeks and 4 days! I think we will all benefit from the change of pace and just getting away for several days.

I have been a bit more emotional than usual lately, and I get frustrated and down on myself more easily. I find that expect so much of myself, and when I don’t meet my own expectation I lose motivation and am just generally unhappy. I think there is a lot to be said for treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we try to show to others. I need to be more gentle and nurturing with myself, and take the time to just chill out and get enough rest and eat right- basic things, but things that get lost when I’m really busy with everything else. If I am unhealthy and unhappy then my family isn’t getting the best side of me either. I want to do yoga again- it’s been a while, mostly because I can’t go to classes. But I think trying to fit a home practice into my days would make a ton of difference for me. I also need to journal again. I used to write all the time, and I barely ever do anymore. Photography has taken its place to some extent, because it is a way to be creative and express my inner self, but sometimes I just need words. Words are healing and powerful.

My son is turning one next week. One. My word.

I think part of the above-mentioned frustration is also from lack of community. I have a few friends but none that I see all the time, and even fewer who really, really know me. I miss that. It is a basic human need. I think I need to make the effort to form a community in my life again. And that’s where the motivation I talked about comes in. I tell myself all too often that I’m “just too busy”. Some things are just too important to fall into that category though- people and relationships are one of those things.

Have a wonderful Friday and weekend, friends.


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