I have been at a loss for words when it comes to this blog lately. What to share? I’ve tended to be so introspective, even withdrawn. This pregnancy has been hard on me physically and emotionally. I envisioned this vibrant, active time, and instead I have been sick and in pain (with migraines) practically every day for the last few months. It is discouraging. And my mind fills with worries, about being good enough for these two souls I’ve been entrusted with. About being enough, and having enough. I’ve been in such a delicate place that I tend to fold in on myself a bit… self-preservation.
And so I have written little, and my camera has sat almost completely unused when it comes to personal work. There has been the same roll of film in my F5 for weeks and weeks. I wonder if I’ve lost my creativity. My mind feels dry. And I miss the creative flow so much.
I know it is temporary. I’m starting my second trimester and should start feeling better soon. And I would hate to sound entirely negative- it definitely hasn’t been all bad. There is joy, and excitement about this new member of our family. Seth and his antics keep me laughing. I’m happy to be in love and planning to celebrate four years of marriage in a few weeks.
I have such a drive to focus on this little family- more and more I’m realizing again how precious and utterly important they are. I crave real life, and real relationships. I am tired right now of the internet and the separateness it allows in our lives- communicating without connecting, wasting hours with nothing to show for it at all. I want to disconnect more from this screen so I can connect with myself, and my family and friends, and the world in a tangible way. But writing is soothing, so I’m not saying goodbye here. I hope that as my heart gets stronger again I’ll have more to say.