I was just thinking…

Do you ever feel like you just have so much on your mind, so very many random thoughts, that you just wouldn’t know where to start? How to verbalize everything…? it is impossible. My writer’s block is due to overthinking. I start a sentence, a paragraph, and then scratch it out. No words encapsulate how I really think and feel lately. So… silence. Some thoughts are to complex for words, and some are far too simple.
I find myself envisioning this completely still and serene place where my mind is organized and calm, and I observe each thought and idea from beginning to end, unhurried. That place looks like a sunbathed field, and feels comforting like a soft blanket.

Anyway, sometimes you just have to start, with a single thought, right? So here we go.

One of my faults is that I am ridiculously self-conscious. I really admire people who do not care one bit what others think. I want to be that way. I feel silly sometimes that at almost 24 years old I still worry about things like that, that I’m still unsure of myself and at times feel I hardly know myself at all. I guess I used to assume that I would have these things figured out by now. But really, just like so many other things, it is a journey and a process. {For me anyway. Some people just seem to have that strength and confidence. Bless them; they are special and inspiring.}

While I may not ever “arrive”, I have such an intense desire to raise kids that are confident and strong. I don’t want then to be swayed by the opinions of others. I want them to know who they are and what they love and own it. I want to shield them from the kind of fear and baggage that attached themselves to me.
And I feel like I don’t know how most of the time. How do you protect your children from the emotional crap that most people in the world seem to be bogged down with? How do you help them to be free and happy, creative and caring, passionate, confident, curious, and all of those things we all want for our kids? In short, how do we not mess them up? Because doesn’t it seem like everyone is somehow messed up? and that usually it can be traced back to childhood? I’ve always been kind of afraid, because I never had time to read all the parenting books I wanted to and have always felt like I’m winging it a little. (Okay sometimes a lot.) I’m not one of those “professional moms” and I don’t “have it all together”.

I’m just taking it a day at a time. I’m doing the very best I am able to. And I look at my son, and he is astoundingly smart and sweet and happy. He is confident, in the way that only a two year old can be, and he’s curious and imaginative and certainly passionate.
He already is— and I didn’t do that. But I will certainly do absolutely everything I can to make sure that it is not taken away from him, and that it grows.

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2 Comments

  1. Thank you for writing this post. It is exactly what I needed to hear to know that so many people feel just as unsure, and insecure as I do. Whether you feel it, or believe it, you are a truely inspiring woman. Sometimes I don’t think anyone, even the people who look most put together, are really all that certain on the inside. I am also expecting baby No. 2 in December and Hope for all the same things you list here. I don’t read many of the parenting books, for lack of time and for the fact that they usually make me feel even more inadequate, SO I will be winging it with you and hoping that my intense love for my children will steer my parenting instincts in the best direction.

  2. Yet another beautiful post;
    Can I add my two cents …..
    There is no ‘correct manual’ – it’s all learn-as-you-go! With much love & respect for yourself, your spouse and your child, somehow you figure it out. Be kind, be loving, be listening …. be supportive ….. but most of all Be kind!
    My best wishes to you both Hannah & Angelina xx

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